what you see is what you dont always get

I'm awake. I think I'm awake. I can find out for sure if i open my eyes, although I doubt that it would make a difference. The smell of stale cigarette smoke, rattling noise of a cheap discounted fan, empty cans and crumpled up clothes. Yup, I'm awake. Although I can't really decide if yesterday was either summer or failure?

A new day emerges, and with it hundred new distractions bloomed like the malevolent desert flowers. I mean, why not? Life is a stage. Nowadays, there's no such thing as 'real life'. There's only 'themed life'. The kinda life that exist in our heads, a product of the mind trying to cover up for its old buddy, the heart. Against my better judgement, I've allowed myself to be sucked to a trip to a theme park of a mind inside a theme park of a mind. Now isn't that fantastic. I'm talking about punching you in the groin and slap you in the face kinda fantastic.

I've distracted myself too much. And by that, I've discovered my real source of non-stop hardworking, over the top, excruciating will to attempt at the thing we call academia that turns us all into walking zombies. Guilt! Plain and simple guilt. I mean, if I could go all out on things that are unadulterated worldly, why can't i do the same for things that are pure and wholesome? Realizing is step one of the guilt process. And now you'll see me running for the finish line.

Go in peace my little friend. Frolic at will.

But i am sad. Sad to leave behind my university life and travels, to a lustful rat race conformed deeply by society. I know they say that when travelling ends, its a great difficulty to return, if they ever return at all that is. People simply go bamboo over this. In my own travels, i've come across them many times. Take Joe for example who i met in Paracas, Peru. Previously an Alaskan fisherman, he came to Peru, searching for an everlasting joy of freedom to live off the land, fuelled by culture and fed by his everlasting charming smile. Once a frequent traveller, he simply turned bamboo and finally just never went home.

But why? Maybe everyone is looking for that special place that makes them say "oh dude, how can i look at this and go back? How could i possibly continue with life as it was before after seeing all this?" I know what i want when i travel. I wanna be still and take it all in. Listen... Keep listening and say, "it's like a dream, only better. Why? Because when I open my eyes, it's all still here". I want to believe that nothing in this world could ever make this dream any better. Blows the mind away!

But i am remembered that anywhere i go, i'll always say that i'm Malaysian. Always going through life by understanding, labelling and understanding myself. So how could any foreign place keep me from staying away from home? Travelling is and always will be for the everyday ritual.

So i embrace this conformity and live life as it is. There's more to see and much left to do in this big beautiful world of ours. And i dont intend to stop and sulk here over the death of university.

the desert

There's only one thing that i could say, and that is i am spoilt. With so many choices generously unveiling itself to me, its hard to chose just one thing. Over indulging is a line easily crossed. Especially when company is as abundant as the smothering baking desert heat, or as blissful as the blows of the mighty Jequetepeque wind that comes as early as the eyes are fresh from soundless sleeps.

So what should i do when I've had one too many? Or the balance of zen once again goes horribly weird, and that an over sized meltdown is creeping its way around the corner? Well, if you're like me, you'd make a trip to the land of plenty. I need help. Liver failing, lungs filled and the brain... well... the evidence is right before you my friend.

With everyday passed here, the heart becomes more and more silent. No longer it thinks about the past or future. It was content simply to muse over the desert, and to leave all that is bad behind. The kinda bad that makes you feel so dirty, yet so alive. Sort of like forbidden love, clandestine sex if you must. You know you shouldn't do it, but it feels so damn good.

Strangely enough, the mind agrees too. The heart and the mind had become friends, and neither of them betraying the other. Enlightenment perhaps? For a brief moment... well... yes, I think so. Life unfolds unpredictable ways. I'm still here, and forced to consider that I might actually 'be here'. I want to understand, reach into the Soul of the World, and be apart of it. And I know that in it, was my own.

I know, I know. I'm a total slut for enlightenment. What can I say?

the orange box

chalie brown

burro

charlie

the wind

the silent hello

moche ceramic

gandalf

the puzzling cross

huaca colorada

i need more of this